I have stopped eating, or feeling hunger. I have a brain signal saying: “Go get some food,” but I don’t feel hunger. 3 days now. Yesterday I made some rice and added frozen peas and butter. I ate about 4 fork fulls. “Add some salt,” I said to myself. I did. But it didn’t feel like eating, and it didn’t seem like food.
The last time this happened I was 6.
Something very traumatic happened yesterday. Another, today.
Oddly: The previous few months, especially the last few weeks, were characterized by a strange wolf-like hunger. I ate and ate and still felt I was starving. My weight, since I returned from Sweden–10 lbs higher than my “normal” since age 21.
I have not been somebody who ever had to think about losing weight, but sometimes I had to think about gaining some. People hate skinny people and people hate overweight people. I think people also hate average weight people, as well as slightly pudgy people.
I am also not breathing properly.
I catch myself and I think:
“Breathe, for Christ’s sake.”
Then I draw one or two deep breaths.
People are always telling me to breathe.
Not wanting to eat, or breathe, is connected to rage about what has been taken away.
The last time I stopped eating, they had taken my mother.
This time, they’ve taken history. And history includes that is happening now, and is about to happen. In other words, everything that “happens–”
they have taken.